Why have regrets

We regret things that made us feel dumb. We regret not telling someone we loved them more before they died. We regret not spending our time more wisely, accomplishing more. We regret getting into bad relationships, or making mistakes in a past relationship. Yes, we regret things, and sometimes it can be consuming. Why We Have Regret Simply put, we regret choices we make, because we worry that we should have made other choices.

We have an ideal identity that conflicts with the idea of the bad choice. The regrets about what you should have done tend to be attached to situations or environments, which naturally fluctuate.

No longer in college, you no longer regret that exam you skipped. In the paper, the authors cite compelling previous research that verifies the power of context. Their persistent regrets were not always about the crime that put them in prison, says Davidai, but also the way they lived years before, for instance, dropping out of school, getting into drugs, or hanging out with the wrong people.

If most of us are more likely to reach our dying days still haunted by images of an ideal self that never fully materialized, it would appear that we all should go after our dream job, our dream life, right now. Write that screenplay. Open an animal sanctuary. Or am I the kind of person who thinks that the most important thing is the responsibility for other people or my duties as a citizen or a family member? When he was a young adult in Israel, Davidai was offered a job at a ski resort in Switzerland, starting the same month that he was supposed to take the entrance exam for university.

With a heavy heart, Davidai made a right and took the exam. That was well over a decade ago, but the whole time he worked on his research about regrets, questions about that ski-resort job loomed. Rather than wallow in that despair, however, he has chipped away at satisfying the wanderlust that feeds it. On weekends, too, they check out new neighborhoods in New York, but all the while Davidai focuses on his scholarly work and retains his steady job.

Roese says. If the pandemic has you sitting home thinking and overthinking about regretful situations, Dr. Roese suggests trying something new. Much like forgiving yourself might bring a little bit of peace, sometimes your regrets involve other people. If, for instance, you regret not visiting your family when you had the chance i. Other times, however, it might not be appropriate or even possible to reach out.

Allan says. If you suspect that someone will genuinely benefit from your delayed apology, it might be appropriate to reach out. It might seem counterintuitive, but if you find yourself thinking about your regrets it can help to write about them.

As SELF previously reported , writing about your negative thoughts gives you a chance to fact-check them. Writing it all down allows you to bring some skepticism and context to your personal story. Well, specificity is on your side. Regret is, in some ways, a type of grief. In those cases, a grief journal might help you process your emotions.

Instead of focusing on what you think is true about your regret i. You can also free write and, in time, look over your writing to see how your relationship to regret has changed.